What’s Under the Pope’s Hat?

The blogclave is upon us.

Today’s article is part of the Blogclave. A casual blogging event sparked by the real-life Catholic conclave. There will likely be new cleric subclasses, essays on rpg religions, and a whole lot more. One thing is certain: you now have exactly 36 things to discover under the new pope’s hat.

What’s under the pope’s hat?

Roll 2d6. Treat each result as one of the two decimal places.

11. A smaller, cuter rat pope pulling at the Human Pope’s tonsure like Ratatouille.
12. One of three foxes operating a rope-and-pulley pope disguise.
13. A pompadour to rival that of Johnny Bravo. Perfectly shaped. Hyehh!
14. A serial number. P0PE 268. (Curiously 1 more popes than expected.)
15. Another face. This one is really, really fucking angry.
16. His mitre-shaped head. Wait, he’s a squid? DEX save to avoid ink.

21. A smaller mitre housing a mitre-housing mitre. It’s hats all the way down.
22. The massive blinking eye you weren’t meant to see. It’s bloodshot.
23. His brain. You just tore off the top of his head, you barbaric infidel.
24. The crumbling husk of the previous pope. Whoever has the hat has the church.
25. A third hand pointing the Holy 1911 Handgun of Cheboygan at you.
26. The glass dome to a small war room housing 4 praying mantis cardinals.

31. Two knobs like the kind on an amp: morality and violence.
32. The pope’s scaly head with a bright retractable frill to scare predators.
33. A mourning dove wearing a mitre. It takes flight.
34. The pope’s thrall. He blinks awake, “Wh-wh-wht?” The hat screams.
35. A flaming sword’s hilt. Once used to protect the Garden of Eden.
36. Another mouth with some rude, frankly undignified, things to say.

41. A big blinking antennae. The cardinals go into attack mode upon its reveal.
42. The fabled tattoo map to buried Vatican treasure. Just as your dad predicted.
43. A birthmark that suspiciously resembles Mikhail Gorbachev’s.
44. A stashed pack of Rotten Apple Cigarettes. “Take a bite of this poisoned apple!”
45. The cymbal-bashing wind-up Jesus discontinued in 1973.
46. Something off-screen that bathes you in gold light. You pause to take it in.

51. Martin Luther’s Ninety-five Theses. Rudely stapled to the scalp.
52. A stupid looking toupee. Genuinely one of the worst you’ve ever seen.
53. Hair with the curlers still in. You thought it was natural?
54. A computer terminal operated by a tiny roach in a NASA shirt and tie.
55. Snakes that turn you to stone. WIS save to resist petrification.
56. A barbed wire tattoo. Roll for initiative. You’re about to fight this pope.

61. A factory reset switch. Installed by God. Just in case.
62. A crumpled note. If you’re reading this. I’m dead. It’s now up to you…
63. An old man. No really. Have you noticed how old the pope is?
64. Multiple eyes. Oh god. He is divine. He’s not human. He’s one of them. Run.
65. An old photo of some dudes on a fishing trip. Back when we believed in things.
66. With mild disappointment: a boring pair of devil horns.

Who is this pope anyway?

Roll 1d6 to decide what kind of pope we have under the hat.

1. Dead pope. Who said they had to be alive to run the church?
2. War pope. A bandolier is like a rosary if you really think about it.
3. Young pope. This pope listens to The Beastie Boys and packs Zyn.
4. Antipope. The Pepsi of papal candidates. A contrarian. Ripe for division.
5. Pope Max. Catholic as hell. The tiara is back. The organs are piping.
6. Doomsday pope. Enough with the bullshit. Warhammer 40k meets Mörk Borg.

Concluding Rites

That’s it for this week. Did you find something under the pope’s hat? Let me know in the comments or repost this article on Bluesky with your own additon to the table. Just imagine the d666 possibilities.

Peace be with you, fellow rpg designers.

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