SMOOSH JUICE
D4 Cardinals Coming to the Conclave (Blogclave Bandwagon)
Behind the Helm
Hastily written as part of Prismatic Wasteland’s Emergency Conclave Bandwagon.
Hail, citizen of Theocastrum: the Blogclave has commenced! The Blope, after many years of prosperous reign over your ancient and grand city, has keeled over dead, and the many Blogdinals (alright, this joke is getting old: the Cardinals) from all over the realm are flocking to the Cathedral, in which they await being locked so they may elect a new butt to warm the papal cathedra.
But beware, citizen: these Cardinals are strange and motley fellows, and bring with them cadres of even motlier retainers and devotees. In these few days of preparation before the election commences, you may see them wander the streets in search of the people’s acclaim (or infamy among them) and cause quite the stir. Be not alarmed: the Church has everything under control, and the election shall proceed in total order and secrecy with absolutely no influence from any of the many foreign kingdoms, crime organizations, or rogue mercenary warbands that have bribed us.
d4 of the Cardinals You May Encounter While Roaming the Streets of Theocastrum
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The Gluttonous Cardinal. Wheeled around in an ornate golden wheelbarrow by four of the strongest knights in the realm, such is his heft. The procession of cooks and waiters surrounding him is announced to the whole neighborhood by the delicious smell of greasy food, and followed by the crowd of people trying to beg for or snatch a morsel. Allegedly, the smoked ribs the Cardinal has specially prepared for him are to die for, and many people have died attempting to try them. Thinks that eating a lot is a way to “become one with God’s creation”, and is not aware it’s a sin. Goes on a tantrum every time it’s said to him.
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The Headless Cardinal. A headless body, robed in cardinal’s red, hastily pacing through the Theocastrian streets alone. He’s looking for his head, which habitually detaches and sprints off to the Cathedral every time the Pope dies. The body-portion of him knows they have a few days, and is well aware that they need to meet the other Cardinals beforehand to have any chance of being elected. The head has gotten itself stuck in a box of melons in a market stall near the cathedral door.
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The Beastly Cardinal. Identifiable as Cardinal only by the red cap, and is otherwise robed in a simple pilgrim’s cloak; has a cheery demeanor and looks down on no one. The masses love him for his generosity, and animals absolutely adore him; the epithet of Beastly has been put upon him by his powerful rivals who fear him being elected, lest there be a pope who actually cares about the citizens. If you linger around him, you’ll witness one of today’s many assassination attempts, all failing thanks to his faithful-unto-death supporters taking the bullet each time.
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The Crusader Cardinal. Marching in a procession more similar to a platoon of soldiers, and wearing thick armor scarcely hidden by the robes. His only goal is to snuff out all infidels, and all shopkeepers in front of which his army passes must bow to him, lest the shop be ransacked. Despite their leader’s supposed loyalty to the Church’s high ideals, the soldiers are ruthless, selfish and cruel, and take any chance they get to pester the citizens and ransack their goods. Rumors of the soldiers’ nighttime sorties are spreading, and they tell of looting, arson and violent beatings towards whoever tries to raide a finger against them.
Note: i realize this is the first post I’m writing about Theocastrum, my current setting-in-the-works. Feels kind of shallow for this to be its first mention on this blog, but i guess you’ll learn about the city at the same rate at which I do!